I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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