Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Randomize
