He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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