Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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