as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
