I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
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