I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Randomize
