I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Randomize
