I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
