if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
A+ Viking dick
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
