I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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