While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
