thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
