Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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