hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
i think my cat just said my name.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
