What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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