I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
