I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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