I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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