Please, let me fuck your mom
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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