Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Alive.
So much puke
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
