life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
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