I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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