she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
