On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
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