I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
