Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Randomize
