we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
