I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
