worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
