Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
