Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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