What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
