My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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