maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
