Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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