the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
