do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
