I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
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