Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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