You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize