FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
