You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
sick fucks of a feather flock together
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
