woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
