you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
