thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
