margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
Moan for me like Helen Keller
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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