She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
