great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
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