i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
