I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
