We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
