So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
high people should be assigned attendants
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
